"My brain & my mindset
So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt void of all emotions except sadness, and worry. I’ve felt nothing towards family members, friends, or otherwise acquainted people, as much as I’ve felt that I should, like any normal functioning being. No matter how many good things happened to me or the people surrounding me, I didn’t seem to feel any positive emotion at all. I pretended on occasion, but I was only lying to myself in doing so.
I lived my life worrying about everything. My mind ran through every single scenario you could possibly imagine for every situation that I encountered, but naturally I focused the most on the negative outcomes, and assumed that they were going to be the ones that happened. They played over and over in my head all the way up until it came to the actual event, at which point I became a nervous wreck. A lot of the time, the worst case scenario didn’t actually happen, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It actually made me feel worse.
I felt stupid that I’d been worrying over nothing. When the worst scenario played out, that made me feel worse too. This lead to a gradual degradation of my mood over years due to over-thinking everything, amongst many other things…
The truth is, I’ve felt suicidal since I was in high school, and told nobody of it until very recently. The only comfort to me for the past 6-7 years has been knowing that if I don’t get better, if I can’t deal with things, or if things become too much for me to cope with, I have a way out…
My “everlasting” relations
I also had major problems with maintaining proper “friendships” with people, partially due to the fact that I didn’t feel like people actually wanted to be friends with me. I didn’t want to talk to people because I felt like I was bothering them. If I was contacted first and asked to do something, I felt like it could only be out of sympathy, or pity.
If I ever felt like I was “close” to somebody, I became too close. It would hurt me when they spent time with other people, or even mentioned other people. I wanted to avoid all of this extra anguish, so I tried to avoid talking to people, in fear that I would get “close” to them… “
Just read this last post of Brett on his blog and it made me cry, I can’t believe all those things he wrote because it felt like that i was reading something i have wrote myself.
I identify with many of the things he wrote and really scares me. :c
RIP Brett Robertshaw
"When you’re little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters, are different, self doubt, loneliness, regret and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark."
La mayor parte del día me la pasé con mucha ansiedad, no pude trabajar sentía que se me quedaba sin aire y comenzaba a respirar de manera agitada, y mi cabeza daba vueltas entre tantos recuerdos de lo que ha pasado en mi vida y de lo que nunca pasó :/
Noviembre se acerca pronto y estoy muy nerviosa D; creo que es eso, no sé que pasará cuando regrese de allá, tengo miedo o no sé que sea esa sensacion extraña que me causa tanta ansiedad, pánico de no saber que es lo que me espera, de las expectativas que se están creando de mí…